2 Months in a Couple Hundred Words (and a few pictures)

Happy 2009! I apologize that this is my first post in almost 2 months. Here's what's been going on:

1) Helen and I left the snow in Portland on Christmas day to visit my parents in Santa Fe, NM. We ate and drank a ton, went blind doing a gazillion-piece jigsaw puzzle, watched college football, and went snowshoeing and snowboarding. I saw my first ever coyote and he appropriately took a crap in the middle of the road. I expected nothing less. We had a great time, as we always do.





2) We came back to Portland on New Year's Eve and since the beginning of 2009 I've been looking for a new job. I "retired" from the day trading business because the uncertainty of my earnings was getting to me. It's difficult to budget when you don't know how much money you'll make (or potentially lose) in a given month. My heart was no longer in it and I decided to move on. I figured that with Barack Obama becoming president on the 20th, I'd receive an envelope with a job in it no later than the 24th. No dice. I didn't vote, but if I did and had voted for him, I'd be pissed. I thought this guy was supposed to be a savior. I don't know about the rest of America, but I'm putting my full faith in Aaron Neville. Ye-hes-hes-hes-hes he-e-e-e-e ca-a-a-a-an! (Spoken like Mr. Neville himself)


3) I went to go see Stella perform at the Aladdin Theater on inauguration night. Stella is comedy group made up of Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, and David Wain. I grew up watching them on The State on MTV. They've also been involved in the movies Wet Hot American Summer, The Ten, and The Baxter. Helen and I saw Michael Showalter over the summer when the Mission Theater showed Wet Hot American Summer and then had a Q & A with him afterwards. Funny, funny stuff.


4) Pub Trivia. What better place to showcase my knowledge of otherwise useless information. I wowed my team and the competition with my knowledge of Baywatch. Did you know that Elvis had a twin brother who died at birth? Neither did I until I went to trivia. Cru Jones and the Helltrack Racers will one day win the pot.

5) Because I have no regular job to go to I've started the Master Cleanse again. It's almost over. I didn't post my adventures with it this time. Let's just say that everything is flowing smoothly.

6) Anticipation for the new/remake of Friday the 13th. The Friday the 13th movie series holds a special place in my heart, as many of you know. I don't think the movies are screen gems by any means, but I do find them to be highly entertaining. I will one day write a thesis on how I believe that Jason Voorhees is an angel of God sent to kill promiscuous youth. If you've been to our place before, you know that I have an autographed picture of Jason proclaiming that "You're Next!" It hangs proudly next to my autographed picture of the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. I'm hoping that Michael Bay doesn't screw this up with too many explosions. I wouldn't put it past him to try and sneak in some Transformers.

"These Few Presidents Frowning in My Pocket" - an '08 Music List

In no particular order, here is what I really liked listening to in 2008!

1 Why? - Alopecia
2 Horse Feathers - House with No Home*
3 Spiritualized - Songs in A&E
4 Bound Stems - The Family Afloat
5 Magnetic Fields - Distortion
6 Marnie Stern - This is it and I am it.... (really long title)
7 No Age - Nouns
8 Damien Jurado - Caught in the Trees
9 Breeders - Mountain Battles
10 Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight

And my favorite 2008 albums from bands in Portland, Oregon (my brand new hometown):

1 Au - Verbs
2 Parenthetical Girls - Entanglements
3 Blitzen Trapper - Furr
4 Starfucker - Starfucker
5 Shaky Hands - Lunglight

*(obviously, Horse Feathers fits into both categories)

Feel free to make recommendations; my ears are always open!

**DISCLAIMER-This list in no way represents the opinions of one Garrett Simpson and was made without his knowledge or participation.-DISCLAIMER**

"It doesn't really snow in Portland."

This is what I have been telling everyone ever since we moved here, and Portland has made me a liar. Usually people make the logical assumption that since Portland is on the 45th parallel north (which is the same as South Dakota, Minnesota, Maine, and the Canadian border) that it snows all the time and is bitterly cold in the winter. However, because it lies in the marine west coast climate region, it has mild winters and little snow.
SO... after explaining this over and over, it goes and snows - for DAYS! So, here are some photos of our beautiful, white Portland.

The Lone Fir Cemetery zombies are cold.

Garrett and our neighbor sledding

Sledding with the neighbors

Cold little mountain bike

Ladies & Gentlemen

Mr. Tom T. Hall



and Mr. Conway Twitty

Obligatory End-of-the-Year Lists

Seeing as how every other website and blog does some sort of "Best Of" or "Worst Of" list every December, it seems only fitting that I do one too. I'm not going to limit it to specific categories, so if I liked it (or hated it) in 2008, it's going to be on the list.

What Was Good About 2008

#7 VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
This show is trash but I cannot get enough of it. Whenever you feel sorry for yourself and need a pick-me-up, watch this show. These "celebrities" are messed up. Unless your parents sold you into prostitution while stealing all of your money, your life could be worse.

#6 Babies and Karaoke
So there's this place in Birmingham called Bourbon Street. It's a ghetto karaoke joint that looks like it used to be a Pizza Hut. In fact, I think it actually was a Pizza Hut at some point. Anyways, I was introduced to this fine establishment towards the end of my time in Birmingham. I had such a good time at this place that we decided to have one of our last hoorah hoorahs there. While the place is intended to be a karaoke bar, the real reason to visit there are the babies. The fine folks at Bourbon Street make a drink out of gin, limes, and sugar water called babies. What makes these babies special is not their ingredients (even though at least 5 whole limes go into the making of each one), but the fact that they are served in full size pickle jars; the size you'd see at Sam's or Costco. The babies are served with the top on the jar so that you can continuously shake them (because shaking is what you do to babies). They also come with their own towel so to give you that extra needed grip when hoisting up the behemoths. Needless to say, the babies lead to some pretty incredible renditions of Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" and Kansas' "Dust in the Wind". (photos copyright Cary Norton)

A hazy shot of a baby.

















Me ripping some bitchin' air guitar with vocals provided by Stephanie and Cary.




#5 The Master Cleanse
Never has not eating for two weeks and constantly visiting the bathroom been such a joyous occasion.

#4 Riskay
Without a doubt, she has the most effective way of makin' sure her boo ain't cheatin' on her. She's keepin' it so real that you can't embed her videos off of YouTube anymore. You'll have to click the link to see it. Trust me, it's worth the extra time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8GTmX2G5w

#3 Europe (and what came with it)

Rubik, Albania (photo copyright Cary Norton)

Vienna, Austria with my brother, Trevor (photo copyright Cary Norton)

Prague, Czech Republic with Cary & John (photo copyright John Yam)

#2 Greg Oden
C'mon, how could he not be on the list. He's the reason I moved to Portland. And now that the Blazers are winning games and he's actually playing and hasn't gotten hurt I want to be friends with him even more. Greg, what do you think of making the best of the year list?

#1 Samwell
No evidence is needed other than this video to prove his claiming the top spot on the list. I don't care when it came out, I discovered him this year. I might just go ahead and give him the top spot in the best of 2009 too.

What Was Bad About 2008

#2 The Chicago Cubs

Alfonso Soriano & Kosuke Fukodome make me sick. I have a feeling that the Cubs will once again be on the list in 2009 unless they win the World Series.

#1 Merlin the Crazy Cab Driver
This is the guy that almost killed me, Cary, and John on the way from Albania to Croatia. I never want to wish any harm on anyone, but maybe he can contract a livable lifetime disease; perhaps herpes.













This is Merlin in the background. This was taken before our near death experience but I already seem to be upset at him. Foreshadowing I presume. He's got some beady little devil goat eyes. (photo copyright Cary Norton)

Master Cleanse Is Not A Rapper

I began doing the master cleanse yesterday. In an effort to document my experiences (and because people asked me to) I created another blog. If you should so choose, you may find it at:
http://mastercleanseisnotarapper.blogspot.com/

It might get a little graphic at some times, so you are forewarned.

Happy Halloween From the Big Pigs

PIGGY COLLE

This little piggy went to the market

PIGGY VICIOUS
This little piggy stayed home

PIGGY THOR
This little piggy ate roast beef

PIGGY BUTTERS
This little piggy ate none (yeah right)

I don't know why we thought this costume would fit any of our porkers. Maybe their humiliation will cause Thor and Butters to lose some weight.