Springtime

Springtime is here, and as Helen and I approach our 1 year anniversary of being in Portland, I thought it would be nice to update everyone as to what I've been up to lately. All Helen does is teach pre-schoolers and do yoga these days. That makes me Mr. Excitement. Well, here goes:

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Man, this show makes my day. If you know my sense of humor, you can understand why I love this show. What's even more amazing is the story of how it came to be. You can check that out here. Rumor has it that the guys made the pilot for $85 and sent it in to FX. The channel liked the pilot so much that they picked up the show and ordered additional seasons. The fourth season has finished up and season 5 starts sometime later this year. You owe it to yourself to watch it. Here's a clip from the episode, "Sweet Dee Is Dating a Retarded Person" (you might need to sign up for a Hulu account to view this but it only takes a minute and lets you watch t.v. shows for free online)



Breaking Bad
A show about a high school chemistry teacher dying of cancer who starts cooking and selling meth in order to leave his family enough money to survive without him. If that's not intriguing enough, it stars Brian Cranston, the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. The show is like Weeds, but without the rich-lady-is-too-lazy-to-get-a-job-and-doesn't-want-to-lose-her-cushy-standard-of-living feel to it.

The Portland Trail Blazers
I'll admit, I was not a Blazers fan when I moved to Portland. I was barely even an NBA fan. However, as previous posts have explained, I have an affinity for Greg Oden and I wanted to support him. I have watched almost every game this year and went to some in person when I could. As the season went on I became more and more enamored with the team. When they lost, I would be genuinely upset. They've had a rough past 10 years or so, but this is a team you can cheer for and not feel bad. As fun as they were to love, the Jail Blazers are no more.

Well, the Blazers are back in the playoffs for the first time in 6 years. I went to Game 1 of their series against the Houston Rockets and saw them get destroyed. Game 2 was a great game that saw the Blazers come out on top. Games 3 and 4 are this weekend in Houston. If you should choose to watch any of the games, which I highly recommend, let me introduce you to some of my favorite Blazers.

I've already told you about Greg Oden. If you watch a game and look at his hair, it looks like he's been wearing a bike helmet his entire life because of the permanent lines that run along his head.






Rudy Fernandez is every girl in Portland's favorite player. He comes from Spain. He has machismo. He can dunk the ball and shoot 3 pointers incredibly well. While it has not been proven, I believe that he wears only a black Speedo and a gold chain while walking around town. His English is terrible, but the ladies don't seem to mind.





With nicknames like "The Vanilla Gorilla" and "Thrilla" how can you not like Joel Przybilla? Also, after getting fined by the NBA for his role in a skirmish, his grandmother wrote David Stern (the commisioner of the NBA) a letter telling him to repeal the fine.






His name is Travis Outlaw. He's the son of a sheriff. He's from Mississippi. He sounds just like Eddie Murphy. He never met a shot he didn't like. He'd shoot a faberge egg in the basket if he got a hold of one.








The Chicago Cubs
With spring comes the beginning of baseball season. With baseball season comes the hope that the Cubs will make the playoffs and actually advance and play up to their talent level. I'm still sour about last year's playoff performance but I'm back again this year for more punishment.

A Job
It took forever, but I've finally convinced someone to give me a job. I'll be working at a pizza pub that is getting ready to open up. Yeah, pizza, I've never done that before. I haven't officially started yet, but I'll let you know how it is when I have. I've got other plans in the works, but I'll tell more of them when they become more concrete.

The Beach
The weather has warmed up nicely and we've had a handful of 75+ degree days here within the past few weeks. There's an island about 10 miles outside of town on the Columbia River that has beaches. I'm proud to report that my tan is already better here than it was in Birmingham. Maybe me and Rudy Fernandez can go together in matching Speedos.

Everything Else
- The cats are doing well. Butters is still on his diet and is down to 17 lbs. now. His weight loss has slowed but his desire to annoy Colle, Vicious, and Thor has not.
- If you're looking to increase your online novel reading, our friends Kevin and Carrie in Birmingham have started an online novel that they post in blog form. They release one chapter a week. It's call Some New Trend. Check it out.
- Sorry for the lack of pictures of Portland and what we've been up to. My camera is broken and Helen's is on the out and out too. The cats' drawing skills have improved but are nowhere near publishable.

Yoga Challenge, aka I Should Invest in a Gas Mask

So, it's been awhile! We have all been doing fine. Everything is pretty 'routine' and 'normal.' That is, if you can call subjecting yourself to the body odor and flatulence of strangers in an 108 degree room 'normal.' That's right, I'm doing yoga. My goal is to attend classes for 14 consecutive days at Yoga Union Community Center in Southeast Portland. Some of the classes I've been taking are hot yoga, hot flow, vinyasa, core, and yin. I am really loving it and am already feeling stronger, more energetic, and less stressed. Even though sometimes it sounds a bit like this in class:



What else is going on? Garrett is currently in Santa Fe visiting Kurt and Trix-e for Trix-e's birthday. There are friends in town from Birmingham, and it feels strange to have such a large group of Alabamians wandering around the rainy city.
Butters' weight loss plan seems to be working. He's lost 2 lbs. and is looking slimmer every day. We are so proud of him!

Butters' Current Weight: 17.4 lbs
Goal Weight: 14 lbs.

I also took a sewing class and managed to complete it without injury to myself or others, which, in my estimation, is success! Here is my beloved pillowcase:

Also - Birmingham, get ready! I am coming your way at midnight on March 23. It will have been almost a year since I saw you last, and I have missed you. Anyone and everyone who wants to hang out is encouraged to call. My number has not changed.

~Ciao bellas!

2 Months in a Couple Hundred Words (and a few pictures)

Happy 2009! I apologize that this is my first post in almost 2 months. Here's what's been going on:

1) Helen and I left the snow in Portland on Christmas day to visit my parents in Santa Fe, NM. We ate and drank a ton, went blind doing a gazillion-piece jigsaw puzzle, watched college football, and went snowshoeing and snowboarding. I saw my first ever coyote and he appropriately took a crap in the middle of the road. I expected nothing less. We had a great time, as we always do.





2) We came back to Portland on New Year's Eve and since the beginning of 2009 I've been looking for a new job. I "retired" from the day trading business because the uncertainty of my earnings was getting to me. It's difficult to budget when you don't know how much money you'll make (or potentially lose) in a given month. My heart was no longer in it and I decided to move on. I figured that with Barack Obama becoming president on the 20th, I'd receive an envelope with a job in it no later than the 24th. No dice. I didn't vote, but if I did and had voted for him, I'd be pissed. I thought this guy was supposed to be a savior. I don't know about the rest of America, but I'm putting my full faith in Aaron Neville. Ye-hes-hes-hes-hes he-e-e-e-e ca-a-a-a-an! (Spoken like Mr. Neville himself)


3) I went to go see Stella perform at the Aladdin Theater on inauguration night. Stella is comedy group made up of Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, and David Wain. I grew up watching them on The State on MTV. They've also been involved in the movies Wet Hot American Summer, The Ten, and The Baxter. Helen and I saw Michael Showalter over the summer when the Mission Theater showed Wet Hot American Summer and then had a Q & A with him afterwards. Funny, funny stuff.


4) Pub Trivia. What better place to showcase my knowledge of otherwise useless information. I wowed my team and the competition with my knowledge of Baywatch. Did you know that Elvis had a twin brother who died at birth? Neither did I until I went to trivia. Cru Jones and the Helltrack Racers will one day win the pot.

5) Because I have no regular job to go to I've started the Master Cleanse again. It's almost over. I didn't post my adventures with it this time. Let's just say that everything is flowing smoothly.

6) Anticipation for the new/remake of Friday the 13th. The Friday the 13th movie series holds a special place in my heart, as many of you know. I don't think the movies are screen gems by any means, but I do find them to be highly entertaining. I will one day write a thesis on how I believe that Jason Voorhees is an angel of God sent to kill promiscuous youth. If you've been to our place before, you know that I have an autographed picture of Jason proclaiming that "You're Next!" It hangs proudly next to my autographed picture of the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase. I'm hoping that Michael Bay doesn't screw this up with too many explosions. I wouldn't put it past him to try and sneak in some Transformers.

"These Few Presidents Frowning in My Pocket" - an '08 Music List

In no particular order, here is what I really liked listening to in 2008!

1 Why? - Alopecia
2 Horse Feathers - House with No Home*
3 Spiritualized - Songs in A&E
4 Bound Stems - The Family Afloat
5 Magnetic Fields - Distortion
6 Marnie Stern - This is it and I am it.... (really long title)
7 No Age - Nouns
8 Damien Jurado - Caught in the Trees
9 Breeders - Mountain Battles
10 Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight

And my favorite 2008 albums from bands in Portland, Oregon (my brand new hometown):

1 Au - Verbs
2 Parenthetical Girls - Entanglements
3 Blitzen Trapper - Furr
4 Starfucker - Starfucker
5 Shaky Hands - Lunglight

*(obviously, Horse Feathers fits into both categories)

Feel free to make recommendations; my ears are always open!

**DISCLAIMER-This list in no way represents the opinions of one Garrett Simpson and was made without his knowledge or participation.-DISCLAIMER**

"It doesn't really snow in Portland."

This is what I have been telling everyone ever since we moved here, and Portland has made me a liar. Usually people make the logical assumption that since Portland is on the 45th parallel north (which is the same as South Dakota, Minnesota, Maine, and the Canadian border) that it snows all the time and is bitterly cold in the winter. However, because it lies in the marine west coast climate region, it has mild winters and little snow.
SO... after explaining this over and over, it goes and snows - for DAYS! So, here are some photos of our beautiful, white Portland.

The Lone Fir Cemetery zombies are cold.

Garrett and our neighbor sledding

Sledding with the neighbors

Cold little mountain bike

Ladies & Gentlemen

Mr. Tom T. Hall



and Mr. Conway Twitty

Obligatory End-of-the-Year Lists

Seeing as how every other website and blog does some sort of "Best Of" or "Worst Of" list every December, it seems only fitting that I do one too. I'm not going to limit it to specific categories, so if I liked it (or hated it) in 2008, it's going to be on the list.

What Was Good About 2008

#7 VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew
This show is trash but I cannot get enough of it. Whenever you feel sorry for yourself and need a pick-me-up, watch this show. These "celebrities" are messed up. Unless your parents sold you into prostitution while stealing all of your money, your life could be worse.

#6 Babies and Karaoke
So there's this place in Birmingham called Bourbon Street. It's a ghetto karaoke joint that looks like it used to be a Pizza Hut. In fact, I think it actually was a Pizza Hut at some point. Anyways, I was introduced to this fine establishment towards the end of my time in Birmingham. I had such a good time at this place that we decided to have one of our last hoorah hoorahs there. While the place is intended to be a karaoke bar, the real reason to visit there are the babies. The fine folks at Bourbon Street make a drink out of gin, limes, and sugar water called babies. What makes these babies special is not their ingredients (even though at least 5 whole limes go into the making of each one), but the fact that they are served in full size pickle jars; the size you'd see at Sam's or Costco. The babies are served with the top on the jar so that you can continuously shake them (because shaking is what you do to babies). They also come with their own towel so to give you that extra needed grip when hoisting up the behemoths. Needless to say, the babies lead to some pretty incredible renditions of Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" and Kansas' "Dust in the Wind". (photos copyright Cary Norton)

A hazy shot of a baby.

















Me ripping some bitchin' air guitar with vocals provided by Stephanie and Cary.




#5 The Master Cleanse
Never has not eating for two weeks and constantly visiting the bathroom been such a joyous occasion.

#4 Riskay
Without a doubt, she has the most effective way of makin' sure her boo ain't cheatin' on her. She's keepin' it so real that you can't embed her videos off of YouTube anymore. You'll have to click the link to see it. Trust me, it's worth the extra time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8GTmX2G5w

#3 Europe (and what came with it)

Rubik, Albania (photo copyright Cary Norton)

Vienna, Austria with my brother, Trevor (photo copyright Cary Norton)

Prague, Czech Republic with Cary & John (photo copyright John Yam)

#2 Greg Oden
C'mon, how could he not be on the list. He's the reason I moved to Portland. And now that the Blazers are winning games and he's actually playing and hasn't gotten hurt I want to be friends with him even more. Greg, what do you think of making the best of the year list?

#1 Samwell
No evidence is needed other than this video to prove his claiming the top spot on the list. I don't care when it came out, I discovered him this year. I might just go ahead and give him the top spot in the best of 2009 too.

What Was Bad About 2008

#2 The Chicago Cubs

Alfonso Soriano & Kosuke Fukodome make me sick. I have a feeling that the Cubs will once again be on the list in 2009 unless they win the World Series.

#1 Merlin the Crazy Cab Driver
This is the guy that almost killed me, Cary, and John on the way from Albania to Croatia. I never want to wish any harm on anyone, but maybe he can contract a livable lifetime disease; perhaps herpes.













This is Merlin in the background. This was taken before our near death experience but I already seem to be upset at him. Foreshadowing I presume. He's got some beady little devil goat eyes. (photo copyright Cary Norton)